I feel bad for laughing, but I'm laughing anyway.
"My Wife's Only Words To Me Since The Incident Have Been 'I'm Fine'": 13 People Who Hilariously Messed Upcommunity on Reddit. If not, allow me to explain using minimal cursing: It's a place where people share their stories of how they"messed up" today. Many of these stories are so wild, I can't believe they actually happened to people. Here are some of the best ones:"Last night, my wife's boss from her brand-new job invited us over for dinner.
Here's the big-time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake. Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.
I searched for love-making songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm. Not to mention my previous partners, however they never complained about the song, so maybe it’s just her? Six years ago, the bulb burned out and got really dim, just barely a glow. I bought a replacement bulb, but when I put that one in, it was also barely lighting up so I realized the unit was bad.
So I’m up there installing the new bulb, grab the remote , and as I’m turning the light on, I realize:For six fucking years we lived with the inconvenience of no overhead light, and the whole time it was just because the damn thing was set to 'dim.'For six years I lived with no bedroom light because the overhead lamp was broken, but turns out it was fine, and it was just set to a dim setting the whole time.
As I pivoted, another dude cleared his throat from 30 feet away on the other side. I never heard a sound from him so I freaked out, failing and belting an ear-wounding scream at him. At the shore, I did my best to throw my shoulders back and march out of the water in my sports bra and undies in front of what I can only imagine are some pretty badass men. I did invite him and his clandestine crew for an absurdly overpriced beer at the bar tonight before shame-jogging back into the woods for my clothes."My son was not doing his homework so I confiscated his Game Boy Advance. I told him he would get it back next week.
So, there’s been a huge sale at my local laser hair removal clinic, and so I thought I might as well go for it. I paid for my 10 visits and set off for the first one, a little nervous but excited for my new, hairless body. I decided it would be a great idea to get a full Brazilian, allll the way from front to back. Pretty normal, right?
This lady saw my gorgeous ring, and decided to break the awkward silence with a, 'That’s a cute ring you have there.' So we're all in the kitchen, I hear the fridge open, and it suddenly dawns on me in horror that my spouse is MOST DEFINITELY going to go for those hot dogs I wrapped like a dumbass. TLDR: My dumb ass didn't seal a package of hot dogs properly, and my spouse accidentally dumped hot dog water all over my dog's head, and now I'm living in a hot-dog-smelling hellhole because my dog decided to excitedly roll on EVERYTHING we own. But at least he's having the best damn day of his life because of it. I probably hate hot dogs now.""My friend Jenna moved into a nice, new condo last month, and I finally got a chance to check it out for the first time today.
Crap, one of my kids must have thrown up. I finished my toilet biz and went down to the basement to check the cleaning supplies. I found a bucket, but couldn't find a mop. I found one of those squeezy sponge things, but the sponge was missing. Figuring the vomit was probably congealing by this point, I just grabbed the bucket and a bunch of paper towels and ran upstairs.
Knowing I had fucked up, I just told them honestly what I was doing. Turns out he was her boyfriend, and he was talking about fantasy baseball, that’s why she was so disinterested. She found it funny and thanked me even though I read the situation wrong. He was kinda offended but understood. I have never been more embarrassed."
Fast-forward: Our parents have been fighting upstairs for the past hour, and we are downstairs trying to figure out who has a different dad. And finally, the epic and hilarious story of the guy who got wayyyyyyy too high before having dinner with his in-laws: 'Yes, yes, and yes!' I reply eagerly, like a kid in a candy store, and request an eighth ounce of about seven different options.
Now, one of the more disconcerting effects of those tiny gingersnap monsters is the feeling that time has become untethered from reality. As I am peeing, I start to get the very unsettling feeling that I have been taking a piss for the better part of an hour and that my wife must be pacing around the restaurant worried about me.
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