As an adult, I was always expecting bad things to happen. These yellowing images reminded me of a time when they had
t’s not often we see portraits of our childhood distress. When families brought out cameras in the late 60s, it was usually to capture smiling faces on special occasions, such as Christmas and birthdays. But here I was, 18 months old, in two pages of a yellowing national newspaper, dated January 1969.
Looking at the pictures at home, I felt shocked and then uneasy. By now I had two young children, aged six and nine, and the pictures took on a very different meaning.Photograph: Courtesy of Tanith Carey But these pictures felt like more than brief snapshots from my early life. The loss of hope in my eyes still felt familiar. For one thing, my parents’ volatile marriage had been punctuated by rows and separations from the moment I was born. Throughout childhood, I witnessed explosive arguments that left me feeling scared and powerless. Often the adults were too caught up in their own chaos to notice.
Even on my wedding day in 1999, instead of feeling joy, I felt distant, dissociated and numb on what was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life. At celebrations, parties or Christmas, I felt as if I was on the outside, like I was looking in from the other side of frosted glass. My husband, Anthony, and I went on to have two lovely daughters. But even when life was going well for me, happy family moments felt “cringy”.
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