I am about to do the thing that has made me wince with pain over the years, while simultaneously making me feel incredibly happy for people
At the start of the year, I made a decision. I wanted to talk about trying for a baby while it wasn’t working: to speak at the same time as things were going wrong, not when I could look back on a horrible experience with the safety of distance.
This time I thought it would be more honest, and potentially helpful, if I shared the horror of infertility contemporaneously, I realised that with my main job, hosting the longest running women’s programme in the world, I was in the rare position of being able to talk about trying and failing to have a baby, pretty certain I wouldn’t be fired or looked upon differently by my editors.
We live in a world which prioritises success and now, with our personal digital shop windows on social media, the lure of “likes” incentivises most of us to share only the wins. Or the losses – once they are OK. When you do break through this unhealthy norm, as I did after my miscarriage, you can build a community which is supportive and makes one feel less alone.
In some ways, it is eerily ironic that this round worked, as it was genuinely the last time we were going to try. It is also the only time my husband was allowed in the room on embryo transfer day, when they put the embryo inside you, this tiny droplet containing the promise of life. Every other occasion, because of Covid restrictions, I was alone for the potential moment of conception, save for my wonderful doctor.
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