Two young women share their experiences of loneliness.
Here’s some of their advice.“I created this rule for myself if I felt that any experience was isolating, whether that had been a succession of bad dates or whether a week where I felt myself pitching into the abyss and not getting much feedback, I was going to then speak about it to someone who might understand”, says Francesca.
“Whether that was speaking about it on social media, tweeting about it, or even gaining a new friendship... The wonderful thing about that is it helps to treat at least one of the person's loneliness. You share that experience together and it stops being something that's isolating.” Claudia says that even if you simply chat to a stranger in a shop or as you get on a bus, communicating with others can be useful. “Even though this is probably not going to lead to some really deep friendships, it starts rebuilding those connections with other people and reminding you that we're all in this together.”“In the BBC Loneliness Experiment, we asked people what they thought the best solutions were, and the one that came out at number one in the list was distracting yourself with other activities”, says Claudia. “Find something that really, really absorbs you. Because if that loneliness is fleeting, which sometimes it can be, then being really absorbed in something in your own company and being happy in your own solitude for a while can help.” “When I'm in that state and I know it's an irrational feeling, thinking: ‘No one would be able to relate to this’, my first port of call is something like journaling”, says Francesca. “It’s quite important for me as a writer. But people have different outlets. “Some people access therapy for this. For some people, it's another artistic expression or talking to someone very close to them who they know is going to be a good listener. I'm hesitant to use the term self-care, but it is being able to navigate solitude in a comfortable way. It's a building block. It's a foundation, that relationship with yourself, that then you can build outwards to greater connection elsewhere.”“Look at what flavour of loneliness you’re feeling”, says Francesca. “Do you feel lonely in your community? Do you feel lonely in your life stage? Are you the only single friend in your friendship group? Are you the only one who's becoming a parent?“Some people benefit from having broad friendship groups. It might be more difficult to feel that you're understood within your group of friends at different times in your lives. Maybe the solution is making sure that you've got people to support you at every stage of life. “It’s crucial to have people around you who are going through the same. A lot of my friends are new mothers right now and, rather than be jealous, I actively say that's so wonderful that you spend every Friday night with your new mum friends.”“There's really good evidence that people's thinking becomes more negative while they're feeling lonely”, says Claudia. “So, you are likely to then interpret signals from other people more negatively. Take a leap in your thinking to remember to look for the good in every person you meet and remember that most people are nice. “If you can find some time where you can feel a bit happier with yourself, then the next steppingstone might be having some of these conversations. Then you might realise that we're all in this world and it's hard for all of us sometimes.” “The thing about loneliness is that it's quite hard to identify once you're in it. It's quite demotivating. It's quite isolating,” says Francesca. “Try to identify and forgive yourself for any moments where you feel lonely and use it as a jumping off point for where you're going to find solutions. “If you come from a perspective, like I do, where you think that alone time is a failure, a weekend where you spend a couple of nights in by yourself is a failure or even being single is a failure, that’s a belief that you need to begin to challenge. I wanted to find aspirational examples of people doing things solo, looking at accounts of people who solo travel. Normalising that for yourself, not as a curable solution, but as something that can be balanced and positive.”“It's very normal, particularly in transitions, to feel lonely - if people have just moved somewhere new or you just had a baby or just retired, or somebody has just died”, says Claudia. “Be kind to yourself by not beating yourself up for feeling bad about feeling lonely. Don't think: ‘Oh, I can go out tomorrow, I'll do all these things and then it will all be fine’, and then beat yourself up some more if it isn’t. You need to take it step-by-step and be kind to yourself as you do it.”
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