After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this is what they said.
Greg Allison, Architect “I am morally opposed to fun.” Ryan Thompson, Videographer “Makes it that much hotter knowing it’s illegal.” John Myles, Machinist “Hooking up with a floozy at the bar is a good way to get your truck busted up by Carrie Underwood, but I’m not surprised liberals don’t understand.” Joyce Washburn, Factory Foreman “The only moral justification for sex is procreation and honeypotting a foreign diplomat.
” Anne Benson, Podiatrist “I just think cops should barge into more bedrooms.” Pip Hilber, Retired “Americans don’t take boinking seriously anymore.” Jacob Fitzsimmons, Food Safety Technician “If our nation spent less time on pube trimming, we’d have more time for war.” William Fritz, Credit Analyst “I have a lot of unexamined psychological issues surrounding sex, relationships, and power, and this is the only way I can see to resolve them.
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