Deconstructing the myth of "forgive and forget."
When the person is unable to find forgiveness for those who have hurt them, they may feel ashamed., and religious teachings revolve around this idea. However, putting the responsibility of healing on the victim and requiring them to subscribe to feelings that they may not have can cause re-traumatization.
As a trauma therapist with two decades of experience, I have yet to see evidence that forgiveness actually leads to healing and there is scholarly evidence it does not . On the contrary, the ethos of"forgive and forget" can result in further minimization of abuse and continued silence . Additionally, forgiveness may interfere with the willingness to report the abuser, thus feeding into the cycle of abuse.
I couldn’t agree more. Advising the victim to find compassion for those who have hurt them only leads to further self-alienation and torment. Unmetneeds and unprocessed pain reinforce narratives of being unworthy of love, not good enough, or that relationships are unsafe. It leads to disregarding one’s own emotions, needs, and desires, thus results in theis not to forget what happened, learn to forgive the abusers, or find ways to heal the relationships with those who have hurt us.
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