The long read: What do you say to someone whose wife prefers photographs of deceased authors to him?
What do you say to someone whose wife prefers photographs of deceased authors to him?enry and Ida Frankel live in a cosy three-bedroom apartment in New York’s Washington Heights. Henry, a softly spoken retired architect of 85, is a short, handsome man with a bald head and small ears. Ida is even shorter, with fine white hair coiled in a bun. Although she is usually smartly turned out, smelling of powder and lavender, only Henry knows how much effort this entails.
Once Ida turned 80, she also began having conversations with books. Not in the sense of communing with the characters, but with the authors themselves, or, more accurately, with their jacket photos. This Henry could not get used to. He never knew when he might come across Ida sitting across from a book, propped upright on the coffee table, speaking to the author photo. “Thank God,” he said, “they didn’t speak back to her.
Despite how alienating he found his wife’s delusions, Henry remained protective. In fact, he bristled when her doctor or friends suggested medication. As long as she was happy, Henry reasoned, there was no reason to deprive her of a rich inner life. Recounting this to me, Henry smiled, “You know, it felt good telling her.” But the feeling had been quickly replaced by guilt. Ida sulked and stopped eating. Touched by her vulnerability and the absurdity of his small victory, Henry had apologised and begged for forgiveness. His outburst, he confessed, had left him rattled and miserable. Perplexed by his own behaviour, he said, “People talk about my wife like she has a problem. But it’s me. I’m the one with the problem.
Looking after the afflicted in the US are well over 16 million caregivers . It is these caregivers, most often children and spouses, who do not merely witness a family member’s cognitive decline, but become part of it, entering a reality where the rules of time, order and continuity no longer apply.hen memory disappears, the world changes not only for the afflicted but also for those who look after them.
Henry was, as he readily admitted, a people pleaser. First, he had tried to please a difficult mother and then difficult clients and then, of course, his occasionally disappointed wife. Even after Ida fell ill, after she no longer recognised him except as someone who looked after her, he still wanted to make her happy. But he also wanted her to know that he was trying to help. He considered this a weakness, wanting the good opinion of others in order to have a good opinion of himself.
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