Did you unwittingly drop your own little bully off at the school gates last week? Ayelet Gundar-Goshen, clinical psychologist, believes we can eliminate or lessen bullying if we teach our children to
BE good rather than FEEL good
Children often try to cope with social anxiety by challenging the status of their peers. If you’re unsure of your own place in the classroom hierarchy, it’s tempting to put others down in order to feel superior.
As with many other contemporary approaches to education, this one too is a reaction to former mistakes. For years, we were told to keep our heads down and give up our dreams and wishes for “the greater good”. Today, it’s all about us. But the shift is too extreme – we’ve moved from ignoring the self to ignoring others. Dan “doesn’t feel like” dancing with Sarah.
As a therapist, I often ask myself about these moral dilemmas, because people quite often come to see me in order to feel good about themselves. Think about a patient who comes to a therapy session after cheating on his wife. “I just want to stop feeling guilty all the time,” he says, as he sits on the couch.
People these days often leave the therapist’s consultation room feeling purified. But what do they leave the couch purified of – the feeling of shame, or their guilt about their actions? Does the man who cheated on his wife intend to act differently from now on – or just to feel differently about the way he acts?
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