'I felt like my life was over when my baby died after three days - now I long for people to ask me his name'
I had a really normal, healthy pregnancy, which I think we all assume means a healthy baby at the end of it. I think that's why, particularly in mothers who've been through infant death, there's a huge associated guilt because we tell ourselves we should have known something was wrong.
I have never woken up so quickly in my life. Nico and I both sat bolt upright, and as she sprinted away I knew in that moment something was horribly wrong. It was terrifying. Looking back, I think I still felt hopeful he would be coming home with us, but when they delivered the news that he wasn’t, in that moment I felt like my life was over.
We were able to bathe him, cuddle him, dress him in a nice little romper suit and do all the normal things we hadn't been able to because he had been connected up to all the machines. The nurse hand-pumped oxygen into his lungs before handing him over to us.As he took his last breaths we could see his little body shaking, trying unsuccessfully to take little breaths, and as we read him a story – a picture borrowed from his cousin called Guess How Much I Love You – he died in my arms.
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