This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who had an abortion following a year of casual sex with her neighbour and is now struggling, feeling confused and romanticising that she could've been a single mum...
'I had an abortion after a year of casual sex with my neighbour - now I'm struggling and confused' This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who had an abortion following a year of casual sex with her neighbour and is now struggling, feeling confused and romanticising that she could've been a single mum...
This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who had an abortion following a year of casual sex with her neighbour and is now struggling and feeling confused 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road.
An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions , and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
I've been casually sleeping with my next door neighbour for almost a year, no dates, no couple stuff, just sex. I then ended up pregnant despite birth control and had an early medical termination. He was supportive and took care of me afterwards. It's only been a week so I know my hormones are all over the place but I'm struggling.
He didn't want a child, I didn't want to do it alone. I'm 37, a primary school teacher, I own a home, and I’m an eldest daughter . I've never had a casual relationship before, I’ve always had high standards, and now I'm struggling with the fact I've compromised myself to have 'fun' with this man and my self worth seems wrapped up in someone who gives me no relationship benefits.
I’m a shoulder for him, he gets meals cooked when I do family dinners, he messages me from holidays and when the plane takes off, and obviously we have sex, but without commitment. He had a nasty divorce and I don’t think he wants a relationship and I’d be scared to suggest it in case I was rejected. He has many good qualities but also clear red flags, he’s a habitual drinker and does cocaine fairly regularly. I am confused.
I'm also romanticising that I could've been a single mum and done it alone with family help. However, that's not what I wanted. I hope it’s hormones. I need a dose of reality, both on this man and on being a single parent.
The reader says she "needs a dose of reality, both on this man and on being a single parent" I want to reassure you that you did the right thing, even though you feel wobbly now. It’s extremely normal to feel regret after a termination .
You’re grieving multiple things at once: the pregnancy, the fantasy of motherhood, the fantasy that this situationship maybe meant more than it did, and the version of yourself you thought you were. Being a single mum is hard, and I think you are romanticising it slightly because right now you’re grieving the idea of what could have been, not the reality of what would have been.
Single parenting can absolutely be joyful and fulfilling, but it’s also relentless, exhausting, financially and emotionally demanding, and often lonely. Family support is not the same as having a committed co-parent who actively chose that life with you from the start. You already know that, which is why you made the decision you made. Bringing a child into the world when one parent doesn’t want them is rarely a decision based on what’s best for that child.
This situation has clearly triggered a huge moment of reflection. You’ve done everything ‘right’: good job, financial stability, sensible choices, risk-averse your whole life, and then suddenly you found yourself in a situationship with the neighbour that may have drifted along indefinitely if the shock of the pregnancy hadn’t brought reality crashing in. You’ve fallen into a trap many women fall into: giving the girlfriend experience without receiving the boyfriend experience in return.
Maybe that felt fine while nothing felt serious. It was probably comforting to have companionship and regular intimacy. Lala tells the reader: "You made the best decision you could with the situation and person in front of you" I think the pregnancy forced you to confront something bigger: you actually are in a good position to start a family, just not with this man. Sleeping with someone casually does not mean you’ve “compromised yourself” or lowered your worth.
Women are allowed to seek pleasure, fun and companionship without it becoming some moral failure. The issue isn’t the casual sex. The issue is that an accidental pregnancy forced you into making an enormous emotional decision with someone who was never truly your partner. Pregnancy has a way of confronting people with their real desires very quickly.
You’re 37, stable, nurturing, and at a point where questions about family become very real. Though he supported you, you know he didn’t want the commitment of a baby or a relationship and that’s probably left you feeling like, “I’ve gone through all this emotional and physical trauma for nothing. ” And honestly, given the red flags, I think it’s a good thing he doesn’t want a relationship.
You clearly have feelings for him and I suspect if he offered commitment you’d take it, but habitual drinking and cocaine use are not small issues in a partner, especially not in a father. Right now you’re getting the glossy version of him but the reality of daily life, responsibility and parenting pressures would likely look very different.
Co-parenting with a habitual drinker and class A user is never fun, the reality of a relationship would probably be pretty miserable, he would be at the pub every night whilst you’re holding the baby. So here’s your dose of reality: you did not throw away your chance at motherhood. You made the best decision you could with the situation and person in front of you. The sadness you feel now isn’t proof you made the wrong choice.
It may simply be proof that you want more for your future than casual sex with the neighbour. The hormones definitely won’t be helping either.
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