Content warning: This article contains frank discussion of eating disorders. 'Just days after my 33rd birthday, with trembling hands and eyes blurred by tears, I picked up the phone and called the helpline for an eating disorder charity.'
Encouraged by Laura, I spoke about the lengths I go to to hide my behaviour around food. While telling her my secret, I could feel the pressure being lifted off my shoulders. I had learned to ignore my feelings for such a long time, but lockdown forced me to face them.
I had a group of local friends, who unwittingly aided and abetted me in my eating habits. Most days after school ended, I’d be invited for tea at someone’s house – from this, I developed an order of friends with whom to play, based on the likelihood of being fed at their place. I didn’t even care what the treats tasted like – it was just the action of eating, followed by intense feelings of disgust and guilt
Becoming a PT didn’t change how I felt about myself, it only made it worse. I worried about what I looked like and my body dysmorphia led me to feel that I would be judged for being overweight in an industry where people determine how good you are at your job based on your appearance. I would often devour a full box of chocolates in one sitting, hiding the wrappers from my wife. I didn’t even care what they tasted like, it was just the action of eating, followed by intense feelings of disgust and guilt.
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