This week, Lucy Cavendish, counsellor and author of Extraordinary Relationships, advises a reader on navigating conflict with her husband's family
This week, Lucy Cavendish, counsellor and author of Extraordinary Relationships, advises a reader on navigating conflict with her husband's family
For example, no one in my husband’s family washes their hands before meals. Instead, they touch their faces, pet their family dog, then sit down at the table, proceeding to touch all the food. When I voiced my concern I was laughed at. Essentially, I’m given no respect or voice. I know my husband is the meat in a conflict sandwich, which isn’t easy, but I disagree when he says that unintentional slights due to familiar patterns and obliviousness don’t count as harm. I fear I’m on the verge of divorce, please help.Yes, you do need help because this is about what happens when one family system bashes into another family system.
However what you are saying is that the family “never dealt with their trauma.” And I’m wondering if you know that or is that what you think? For, if it is the latter, the family may not like that. On a deeper level, no one wants someone else to tell them what pain they have or haven’t dealt with. From their point of view it could be verging on the judgemental.
You are married to their son and are probably a valued member of their family. Is it possible for you to focus on the positives rather than the negatives? For example, what is the good stuff you bring into their? What is the good stuff they bring to you? It’s so helpful to name what you enjoy and appreciate about them rather than get stuck in a position of hurt and pain for there is no growth here.
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