A man writes to agony uncle Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz about his struggle to reconnect physically with his wife after 15 years of limited touch. He admits that while they've always been supportive, their needs for affection have been neglected amidst the demands of raising children and financial strain. They've agreed to try and rekindle intimacy, but he finds it awkward and unnatural.
As i's Agony Uncle, Kenny Mammarella-D’Cruz - who has spent three decades listening to men talk about their feelings - gives his advice to a man struggling with distance from his wife
I really want us to have a more affectionate relationship. We haven’t had sex during that time, but it’s touch – hugging and choosing to be close – that I miss the most. I miss her. I am delighted to hear that you and your wife have had this conversation and that you both want to have a more affectionate relationship – what an encouraging move – and I respect that it took you about a year to build up the courage to ask her.
Thirdly, cuddle up and watch a film together. By hugging each other close for two minutes, your nervous systems will calm together, reducing the cortisol in your body and releasing oxytocin, one of the four feel-good hormones. Ask your partner how it feels, how it could be more comfortable, where she likes to feel your hand and your arms around her.
One or both of you might experience anger over your distance over the past 15 years: resentments, frustrations and misunderstandings might come to the fore. This is your opportunity to resolve any confusion and move into a new, deeper, more mature stage of your lives. As the awkwardness subsides, I’d consider bringing more deliberate touch into your lives while spending time together. Dancing is one excellent way to do this: I’d especially recommend Latin dance classes, whether salsa or tango, where the man clearly leads the way – brings connection through music. It’s a chance to play, laugh, miss a step and not be scared to fall on top of each other.
Physical Intimacy Marriage Distance Rekindling Affection Communication
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