I was telling myself the wrong story.
and eating their fifth snack of the hour. In the pause between hunting and gathering new snacks, I’m unloading the dishwasher. Or I was – until finding myself glued to the TV with a plate in my hand. In dog kindergarten, Bluey's friend, Indi, is trying to make a horse out of clay but it looks more like a cow. “She shoulda gone with the worm,” I think, “Classic kindergarten mistake.” Indi decides she's not good at sculpting and vows never to play with clay again.
I told my therapist, Ama, about the empty moment when the room cleared, and it was just me, no baby. Then they rolled me into a windowless office in a wheelchair, my legs still unpredictable. I felt a weird sense of calm, but really, I was in shock. A nurse practitioner told me our daughter’s oxygen levels were low for such a long time, they weren’t sure if she sustained any brain damage. She says we wouldn’t know for about a year.
The room is silent for a beat; I wipe my tears and blow my nose much louder than anticipated. Finally, she speaks. “How can you trust yourself as a mom if you believe you almost killed your baby?” I angrily want to reply, “Well clearly, I shouldn’t trust myself as a mom.” But I keep that thought to myself, knowing she won’t buy it, knowing that a small part of me doesn’t buy it either. “She eventually turned pink,” she said. “And today, you have a beautiful, healthy daughter.
As a writer, I know that even though we narrate our lives with stories, they are simply a perspective and rarely a full truth. Beginnings and ends shift, predictable plots are blown to smithereens, and the narrator , is unreliable. The tales we tell reveal both who we are, and lies we believe about ourselves. What we leave out is almost more telling than what we include.
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