[Two Pronged] Forever my family’s breadwinner

How do I stop feeling guilty every time I spend something for myself? I have an upcoming vacation...but I keep feeling an intense guilt about not bringing my family along

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I was raised to be family oriented so I can’t really say no to them. I would feel very guilty to do so when my mom cooks for me and washes and irons my uniform for me. I feel like moving out would be a harder option. Less trumpeted is the notion that there should be limits placed on this philosophy. Honoring one’s parents may be multicultural, rooted inter alia in Confucianism and the Hebrew Bible, but does that mean it should be absolute? Even the Bible makes it conditional: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” .

There is however hope. A dispassionate analysis of your situation suggests at least a few areas where alleviation should be possible. Firstly, your siblings are or will become adults and get jobs. This will mean that your burden can be shared. Secondly, your mother could perhaps get a job herself and make some sort of contribution to the family finances.

However, in my clinical experience, a parental expectation that they can stop working once their eldest child graduates and finally supports them is more difficult to counter. Our collectivist culture practically supports this expectation unequivocally. So it is more difficult for a child to set limits on their parents’ expectations because they have hardly any good models for doing so. That is why you feel guilty, Cara.

Alas, the guilt you feel is normal. BUT, if you work on seeing the origins of these feelings, understanding them to be the conditioned responses they are, hopefully the guilt might lessen. For your own mental health, I hope it does.For Guilt #1: “My mom cooks, washes etc for me so how can I say no to them.

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