Society has always told Gen-X women that they can have it all. But in midlife, what do we really want, asks Ada Calhoun.
our years ago, I lay awake staring at the ceiling as my husband slept soundly. Where self-critical intrusive voices had once dominated my 3-to-4-a.m. angst hour suddenly proved surprisingly tractable.
And if those supposed non-negotiables could change, why couldn’t the whole shape of our lives? And if it could change, why not make it more consistent with who we want to be in the world rather than what would be most convenient for those around us? Asking these questions often has real consequences, whether it’s a career change, a move, or the end of an unfulfilling relationship. A middle-aged woman’s awakening doesn’t inevitably lead to divorce—in fact, plenty of women I know had post-pandemic reckonings that resulted in stronger unions—though perhaps it’s telling thatAnd yet, sometimes it can be hard for us to give ourselves permission to prioritize ourselves when we’ve spent so much of our lives making way for others. A friend in Denver, a fellow empty-nester, told me that she’s thrilled by a recent career change and loves being back in school, but is plagued by the fear that she’s asking for too much: “Can I still be loved if I’m authentically myself? When does the feeling of needing to shrink myself down go away?” In October, my best friend of 40 years, Asia, and I took her 13-year-old daughter, Izumi, to one of the last U.S. stops of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour. As Izumi glued sparkles in a heart shape on her face with eyelash glue pre-show, I asked Asia, a therapist, what she was seeing in her clients our age. She said, “Women in their 40s are saying, ‘I did not work this hard to not get to do whatever the hell I want. Don’t ask me to do everything and then not expect me to want everything.’ People might call that a midlife crisis. I’d call it a coming of age.” That night with Asia and Izumi at the Superdome, the three of us stood as if each song were the National Anthem. We were surrounded by 65,000 other women in rhinestone cowboy boots, homemade lyric t-shirts, and sequin dresses. Afterward, as we spread our accumulated friendship bracelets out on the bed in my hotel room, there was a conversation about whether Izumi should have to go to school in the morning.I agreed. She’d worked hard and she’d earned the right to sleep in after her first concert. That’s true for the generation of women now in midlife, too. We worked hard. Now’s the time to ask ourselves what we want.hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary on events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of TIME editors.TIME may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Offers may be subject to change without notice.
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