My experiences in treating couples in the therapy room, and relationship science, reveal that these problems result from a mismatch in two types of conversations.
My experiences in treating couples in the therapy room, and relationship science, reveal that these problems often result from a mismatch in two specific types of conversations.and other mental health treatments. Understanding or empathy conversations aim to better understand thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes, values and experiences. Problem-solving, decision-making or strategizing conversations aim to solve a problem or make a decision.
A different couple struggled with a conversation mismatch about prioritizing intimacy. One woman expressed frustration that both weren’t making time to connect, which made it difficult to cultivate emotional and physical intimacy. Assuming that this was a conversation to promote better understanding, her wife validated her experience, then began to share her own.
Not being able to match conversation types with others can contribute to a sense of profound disconnection, as well as communication ineffectiveness. It’s like rowing a boat with someone else when, unwittingly, you’ve each decided on a different destination. The effort expended by each person isn’t aligning with the progress being made.But different types of conversations activate different parts of our brains, making it hard to synchronize.
Duhigg said he now frequently checks in with his wife about whether they are having a brainstorming session or an emotional understanding conversation. Some might think it would annoy others to be asked, but it helps people clarify their conversation desires for themselves, as well as for the other person. And, he added, “When someone asks you what do you want, it’s kind of nice. It shows that they care about what you want.
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