What psychology can tell us about this particularly haunting sort of heartbreak — and why I still dream about friends I lost 16 years ago.
friend breakups hurt as much as romantic breakups as if they’re the first person to realize this. But they do have a point: I rarely think of the guy I dated in my early 20s, save for the occasional activation of a very specific scent memory . I lost a friend group in that breakup — I was new to Seattle, and they were his high-school friends, so, fair enough.
It’s somewhat obvious to say that uncertainty drives us nuts: It’s what fuels anxiety and keeps astrologists in business. But it also might be easy to underestimate the degree to which people hate feeling like they’re in the dark. Most peopleget shocked later, and people tend to show more signs of physical stress when waiting for an unpredictable shock than a predictable one. You could even argue, as some neuroscientists do, that your brain’s most important job is to reduce uncertainty.
But what if you think you’ve got that “unconditional positive regard” kind of friendship, when to her you are a peripheral friend at best? A friend of mine, let’s call her Heather, is the type to say “I love you” with abandon, which is one of the reasons I love her. Years ago, she got a handwritten letter from a friend who, essentially, claimed that this sort of thing was tantamount to leading her on.
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