For high-conflict couples, the need to fight is a way to continue a process that they are familiar with.
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High-conflict couples are extremely difficult to work with. Some are belligerent. Others can be violent. These partners are so focused on doing battle that a therapist may not get a word in. But when the high-conflict couple brings their style of conflict into the divorce process, they are even more challenging. Studies vary, but according to Steele , 20 percent of all separations are high-conflict.couples who fight in a manner different from the norm.
No matter how aware parents are of the impact high conflict may have on their children, it is hard for them to curb their behavior towards one another, especially in the divorce process. Many divorcing parents have told me they want to do everything they can to spare their children excess pain, but they seem unable to control their behavior. Even couples who have sworn to have a peaceful parting of ways, at some point in the divorce process, lose perspective, and the battle is on.
High-conflict couples, especially those in the throes of divorce, are challenging; the need to fight is a way to continue a process that they are familiar with—dare I say, even attracted to. The first thing a couple must do is to recognize their interactional high-conflict process and its origins. Both also must admit that their circular dynamic leads to nowhere, and this must be the first thing that requires adjustment.
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