Perfectionism is a defense against toxic shame that can end up causing even more shame. Toxic shame can be transformed into something that is actually helpful.
We can't eliminate shame; it is part of our emotional makeup. But we can transform it.is to strive for an elusive perfection. While toxic shame says,"I'm not good enough; I'm a failure," perfectionism says"I need to be perfect, and I can be. Failure is not an option. Only then can I be OK."
As a man with a strong perfectionist streak, I didn't take it very well. My first reaction was toxic shame. I felt terrible. Sick to my stomach. I actually retreated to my bed for several days. I had utterly blown it, failed. I was convinced that I would never be asked to speak again. My healthy shame thought was “Yes, I did blow it. I didn't prepare properly or run it by anybody. And I really didn't understand my audience and what they were looking for. I will do my best not to make that mistake again. I will prepare carefully, and I will be a lot clearer about who I am speaking to. I will also make careful choices about who I speak to.” Instead of ending myBeing perfect is a tall order, considering that nobody can attain that impossible goal.
While toxic shame feels horrible and produces a deeply unpleasant state of freeze, healthy shame can actually help you function better. A humorous example of healthy shame is realizing “I can't fly. I wish I could. It would be really nice. I reallythose birds, just soaring through the air. But I can't. I'm human. I have limitations, just as all people have limitations.”
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