A humorous tale about office politics, budget forecasting, and a stolen (or is it?) high-powered desktop computer.
I think the real issue you have is the Beancounters not getting the rolling desktop upgrades you promised them last year,' I say.'But forecasting is just telling the Finance people that the money should be spent by that time, meaning any residual balance could be returned to the central pool for other purposes,' the Boss argues. 'If only finance worked the same way that holiday spending does,' I reply.'But it doesn't.
In the REAL world, forecasting is used for cash flow prediction – something our Beancounters have been failing miserably at for years.''And so late last year – probably at the same time that you were promising them desktop upgrades – the PFY and I wrote a module for the purchasing system to prevent people raising orders for: (a) unbudgeted projects over 500 quid, and (b) budgeted projects started more than a month before they were forecast to be started.' 'The Beancounters love it,' the PFY adds.'No more frenzy-spending in January as people try to get ahead of mid-year cuts.' 'I think they may change their minds on that,' the Boss surmises,'then get you to remove that module.' 'Yes, we predicted that. We warned them they'd get pressured by upper management to remove our module, and suggested we wound some crypto around it and then put the keys in a timed escrow.''A time-locked vault, if you like,' I explain.'The keys to unlock the module are a 2048-bit double-blind Yelzinger cipher that can only be counter-ciphered by the cipher logic block key in mid-December 2025 – after which point they can be used to unlock and remove the module.''Yes.''Yeah. The Beancounters wanted to be sure that no one – not even the Beancounters themselves – could bypass the system. For compliance reasons.''ALRIGHT, what if YOUR DESKTOP blew up? You don't have a budget for a replacement.'Well, when I say my desktop machine, I mean my decoy desktop machine with a stack of graphics cards that serves as a small Bitcoin mining rig and office heater.'Uh, there's some sort of issue with the HR system,' the Boss says.'The app guy says the HR system has stopped, uh, handshaking with the Finance system?''Yeah, not a problem. Next week might be a challenge – when the salary run doesn't go through – but today we're all good.''Oh, I've got to pop down to Security and report a theft, but after that I'll be good.''Yeah, it's just my desktop machine. Don't worry, there's nothing too critical on it, but Security still want to collect all the info before they call the police.''What, you mean shut it down, unplugged all the cables, pulled it out from under my desk, and then mislaid it?''No, it's a theft. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure Security will have some camera footage to hand over to the police.' 'Well, I'm going to take a look. I think I saw a machine in the, uh, meeting room,' the Boss says, dashing off.'I found this in the, uh, meeting room,' the Boss lies.'The cleaners must have put it there when they, uh, cleaned it.''No, it's definitely not mine. MY machine was an ... i9 14900K with ... uh ... 64 gig of RAM, a 4 TB NVMe, and a ... um ... 4070 graphics card. Yes. And that machine looks to me like an i7 6700K with some graphics cards in it. No, it's not mine.' And now the Boss is between a rock and a rocky place. He could admit he took my machine to teach me a lesson – which might mean a protracted discussion with Security, then possibly HR, then potentially an employment consultant – OR he can bluff his way out of it.'Of course,' I say, joining the lie.'But wait – that was forecast for November.''Well, you did forecast a bunch of money to be spent in January on your new office furniture ...So I'm rocking a new work desktop, the Boss is making do with his crappy old office furniture, and even the Beancounters are happy now that I've pointed out that the January-scheduled BMS upgrade has roughly the same dollar value as their desktop replacements – and the only people who'll care are the whingers in the colored-pencil office whose retrofitted fresh-air intake is right above the underground car park exhaust vent. So pretty much everyone is happy, which is a good way to start the year
Humor Office Life Beancounters Budget Forecasting Desktop Theft Office Politics Boss Technology Humor
United Kingdom Latest News, United Kingdom Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Hugo Boss BOSS Bottled Eau de Parfum: 50% Off at LookfantasticSnag a fantastic deal on Hugo Boss BOSS Bottled Eau de Parfum with Lookfantastic's massive 50% off sale. This luxurious fragrance is perfect for the men in your life and is available in a 200ml bottle for just £59.50.
Read more »
50% Off Hugo Boss BOSS Bottled Eau de Parfum - A Perfect Christmas Gift for MenGrab this incredible deal on Hugo Boss BOSS Bottled Eau de Parfum for the men in your life. Lookfantastic is offering a massive 50% discount, making it even cheaper than a 50ml bottle. With a bold blend of apple, cardamom and vetiver, this fragrance is described as 'fierce and unapologetic'. Order before December 19th for standard delivery or opt for Next Day Delivery until December 22nd for an additional £5.95.
Read more »
Zinedine Zidane Set for Return to Management as France National Team BossFormer Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane is reportedly set to return to football management as the new head coach of the France national team.
Read more »
Liverpool Boss Arne Slot Faces Contract CrisisLiverpool manager Arne Slot is navigating a challenging situation with three key players, Mohamed Salah, Virgil van Dijk, and Trent Alexander-Arnold, approaching the end of their contracts. Slot is handling the pressure with grace, but the situation is more complex than previous Liverpool managers faced due to the intense media scrutiny and the players' potential to sign pre-contract agreements with foreign clubs.
Read more »
UFC Boss Dana White Joins Meta's Board of DirectorsUFC President Dana White has been appointed to Meta's board, bringing his expertise in building successful brands to the social media giant.
Read more »
Stephen Boss's Wife Opens Up About His Struggles After His DeathAlison Holker, wife of the late Stephen 'tWitch' Boss, reveals the shocking discoveries she made after his suicide, shedding light on the depth of his hidden pain and battles.
Read more »